For Love Or Money
by katkin
Summary: All is fair in lovemaking and war.' The Marauders have never been victims to pranks... until she came along! SB,NT,RL friendship fic. Complete!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello there. I'm attempting humour again. This is the first chapter of a lil Sirius/Tonks/Lupin friendship fic that I've got going. I must stress that this is **not **a romance fic (even though I'm a Tonks/Lupin shipper.) These just happen to be my favourite Order members and have therefore been used in this crazy story.

Disclaimer: Like J.K.Rowling would be daft enough to put her amazing characters into such a barmy storyline! Needless to say, they aren't mine :)

* * *

Sirius Black had never enjoyed being alone. Needless to say he did not enjoy his lengthy stay in Azkaban, but who would? When Albus Dumbledore had contacted Sirius an hour after the Triwizard Tournament had ended, asking him if he would consider letting Number 12 Grimmauld Place become the Headquarters for the New Order of the Phoenix, Sirius' had replied bluntly: No ... However, a month later he found himself sat alone in the house's filthy kitchen wondering how, after all these years, he had managed to wind up back where he had started. It wasn't as if he didn't have company. There was usually an Order Member or two about. Those who had been on watch would tell him about Harry, and he would listen enviously. Yet, on this stuffy July morning, Sirius was alone. Bored, hung over and alone. He sat at the grubby wooden table reading the Daily Prophet and muttering aloud at the cynical comments written about his Godson. He eventually put the paper down, mumbling a curse under his breath. A familiar voice made him look up. 

"They say it's the first sign of madness, talking to yourself." Remus Lupin stood at the top of the kitchen steps, a huge grin on his face. Sirius matched it and rose from his seat as his friend descended the stairs.

"We both know I lost it years ago, Moony," he responded, pulling his best friend into a warm embrace. They broke apart. Remus looked his friend up and down.

"You look awful," he stated and Sirius laughed.

"Too many drinks down me last night! It's this place. It depresses me so much."

"Ah, you shouldn't drink alone Padfoot," Remus warned taking a seat opposite Sirius', as his friend moved to make some tea.

"Who said I was alone?" he asked, shooting a mischievous grin over his shoulder. "Anyway, I wouldn't have to drink alone if you hadn't taken so long to show you're face. Dumbledore contacted you, what … a month ago? You took you're time didn't you! Have more important things to think about, do we? I, on the other hand had nothing better to do and said 'Yeah, another war sounds great! Count me in! Hey let's make it even better by basing ourselves in my childhood home which I can't stand and swore to myself I'd never set foot in again!'" Sirius rambled, causing a laugh from Remus.

"My apologies Sirius, I should have thought about you're need for a drinking partner and dropped everything to come and sit around with you."

"Glad we agree," he grinned jovially, placing a mug of tea in front of Remus. At that moment a crash came from upstairs, followed by the incoherent screams of Mrs Black's portrait. Both men looked up, one wearing a frown the other a grin.

"Good morning, Dora!" Sirius called. An attractive witch with scarlet hair that flicked out at a precarious angle by her ears appeared at the top of the stairs, carrying a lollipop in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. She was wiping her top madly, where her beverage had spilled on her chest, trying not to make the mess worse by dripping her lollipop on herself. Remus' eyes followed her intently. She was undoubtedly very pretty, but he felt that there was more to her than that. In honesty he found her rather fascinating.

"Morning Poodle. That bloody thing," she said to her chest as she walked down the stairs. "I swear it moves! It must have legs or something." She shook her head and frowned at her own comment. "I'm gonna wrap it up and give it to my mum for a Christmas present!"

Sirius barked a laugh. "Put my name on the tag. I think she'll love it."

"Nice day out," she mentioned. Sirius turned to Remus.

"This is Dora. She says that every morning to wind me up." Sure enough, Remus could see a smirk forming at the corner of her mouth.

Tonks put her cup on the table and hesitated before putting her lollipop beside it. The table was so filthy that she decided against it and handed it to Sirius.

"What flavour?" he asked as she crossed to the sink and dampened a cloth to wipe her soiled top. She gave a shrug.

"Strawberry, I think. Yeah, just help yourself!" she said sarcastically as he put a corner in his mouth.

"It's blackcurrant, you idiot."

She shrugged again. "Fruit's fruit, innit."

"You're so common Dora, you really are."

Tonks looked at Remus, as if she had only just noticed him. He was surprised to find her eyes were a shocking electric blue and shimmered as she smiled. She pointed at him and mouthed obviously 'Who's that?' Sirius sighed.

"This is my friend Remus," he told her. Tonks gave a scoff.

"Don't lie Sirius, you don't have any friends."

"Yes I do," he retorted indignantly, "…one…and this is him."

"Really? How much are you paying him?"

"Not enough," Remus cut in before Sirius could answer. Sirius gave him a scowl.

"Ooh, I like him already," Tonks said with an impish smile. "You look awful by the way," she said matter-of-factly to Sirius, whose scowl deepened.

"How is it that I feel like shit, and you bounce in at 9am as if you hadn't touched a drop all night?"

"Because, my sweet, you are an old man." He made a face. "And had twice as much as me."

"More like half. And I am not old!" She stuck her tongue out at him cheekily and sat beside him. Remus felt uncomfortable. This girl … woman … had just paraded in and spoken to Sirius as if they were best of buddies … or closer. It was just like Sirius to try it on with a young and vibrant witch such as the one sat before them. She seemed friendly enough though, and willing to match Sirius' advances, even if she appeared to be several years younger than them.

"I didn't buy you that vodka in the end," she was saying to him, "because the guy stacking shelves looked at me funny, most probably because it was only 8:30am. But," she reached into her bag, "I did buy you chocolate Hobnobs as you managed to eat my entire stash last night. Greedy git!"

Sirius snatched for the packet eagerly but appreciatively.

"Cheers, I owe you one."

"17 actually."

"Dora here has been my unofficial 'watcher'," he told Remus, who looked rather amused.

"Yeah, maybe I can go back to work now that you have your friend back," she said hopefully.

"Shouldn't you be there now?" Sirius enquired scooping the cream off her hot chocolate with his finger. She tapped his hand sharply.

"Nope, half day. Hurrah! Was gonna go shopping but have no money so that plan's out of the metaphorical window."

"What do you do?" Remus asked. She turned to him, offering him yet another playful grin.

"I'm an Auror," she said proudly. She turned to Sirius. "Which reminds me, guess who came into my office the other day… Dolores Umbridge." Both men gave a cringe.

"Oh yeah? What did _she_ want?" Sirius asked, his tone full of disgust.

"She was looking for Kingsley. I told her that his office was next door and she said that she knew but he wasn't in. Who am I, his chuffing secretary? Then she stood behind me and watched me work for 5 minutes. I felt like I was doing an exam. Then she said to me… 'Nymphadora Tonks? I've heard of you. You're one of them, aren't you!'"

Sirius' mouth fell open in apparent shock.

"One of what?"

"Well that's what I thought. I didn't answer so she asked again and I said yes."

"But you didn't know what you were?"

Tonks frowned in confusion at his question then nodded.

"Yeah, that's right. Then she went on about shape shifters being untrustworthy members of society and I realised what she was talking about. Thought she was gonna suggest I wear a bell around my neck! Anyway, she turns to leave and says at the door 'Tonks… you're father's Muggle-born isn't he?' And I was like…bye! She can slag me off all she wants but she can leave my Dad out of it," she finished with a huff. Sirius tutted in disapproval.

"She's such a cow. Remus hates her too, don't you Remus."

Remus nodded but said no more. He didn't particularly want to divulge in his reasons for disliking Umbridge, especially with someone he had only just met. He liked the way people treated him before they were aware of his condition. Even if people told him they were ok with it, they were always different after.

"There's a rumour going around at work that she's got a job at Hogwarts. I'll laugh if it's true," Tonks sniggered.

"So will I, but I doubt Harry will find it very funny," Sirius admitted. Tonks nodded then looked at her watch.

"I'd better head off. I'll pop by this evening after work. Anything else you want me to pick up for you?"

"Playboy?"

"You're a very dirty man, Sirius Black."

"What! I get it for the articles." He offered her a wink and she laughed. "Hey, thanks for last night. I needed cheering up."

"No probs. Anytime, seriously." She got to her feet and kissed him on the top of his head. "See ya later. Nice meeting you," she added to Remus, who smiled politely.

"Have fun at work."

She turned to wave and stumbled up the stairs.

Sirius grinned as she left. It soon faded as he turned to Remus and noticed his mildly accusing stare.

"What?"

"Oh come off it, Padfoot. You were all over her and you know it!" Sirius merely blinked at his friend and turned away with a scoff. "Are you denying it?"

"Are you jealous?" Sirius retorted. He had always loved teasing Remus, purely for the fact that it was so easy.

"No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous," he said firmly, wishing his face didn't feel so hot.

"Why would that be ridiculous? Tonks is a very attractive young woman, I think we've both noticed that," he added causing a blush from Remus. Sirius gave a laugh. "She also happens to be my cousin." Remus' eyes widened and his blush deepened. He gave a cough of embarrassment. "So, in answer to you're question Moony, no I'm not all over her. Thank you very much!" He finished with a huff and grabbed the drink, which Tonks had left in front of him. Remus sat with his mouth open for some time. He closed his eyes, wishing he hadn't made such a fool of himself.

"Hobnob?"

"Excuse me? Oh right, um no thank you."

Sirius shrugged and put a whole biscuit into his mouth at once making any speech after that rather difficult.

"Suit yourself," he mumbled, spraying crumbs over his unimpressed friend.

* * *

A/N: This is the first chaper so bear with me. Things are gonna get a lil crazy! 


	2. Chapter 2

When Tonks arrived at Grimmauld Place that evening, Sirius was not in his usual seat in the kitchen. However, in his place sat his friend… _What was his name again?_ Tonks thought quickly. Lupin something. Reg? She giggled at her own thought as she descended the stairs. The man looked up to see her.

"Hello Nymphadora," he said quietly.

"Hello…uh… sorry what was your name again?"

"Remus."

"Remus," she echoed. "Sorry, I thought it was Reg." The corner of her mouth twitched a smile and she saw his do the same.

"No, it's always been Remus. There's some tea in the pot if you'd like some." The witch smiled politely and crossed to the sideboard. Tonks began to pour the beverage into a mug when her hand slipped causing the spout from the teapot to knock over the cup. The small amount she had already poured pooled out. The mug rolled off the edge of the sideboard and smashed onto the hard tiled floor. Tonks winced and Remus looked around sharply.

"Oops, I'm always doing that. My bad." She fixed the mug in an instant, but did not go for a second attempt. Instead she sat opposite the man and stared at him intently. He looked up from an old edition of The Quibbler.

"Where's Sirius?"

"Shower," he replied simply and carried on reading a highly entertaining but rather improbable article on breeding Eight-Legged Snootlebeetles. He risked another glance over at Tonks, whose hair he noticed to be baby blue and fell down to her shoulders.

"So, you're a shape shifter?" he asked already knowing the answer from the Umbridge comment Tonks had shared that morning.

"Uh huh, a Metamorphmagus. I'm a rarity. Sirius says I should be studied." She gave a little laugh. Remus just nodded slightly and returned to his article. After a while he lowered it again.

"Would you stop staring at me please?"

Tonks looked away and mumbled an apology. Remus knew she had noticed his light scars, which ran across his face. He also thought she would be too shy to ask where they were from. He was wrong.

"Where'd you get the scars?" she asked almost casually. He lowered the magazine, all the way to the table this time, and offered her an indifferent stare. Tonks refused to break eye contact, and he wondered whether she even realised she had crossed a line. Probably not, he guessed.

"I really don't think that's any of your business, do you?" he asked sharply. Tonks looked away.

"Geez," she mumbled to herself. To Remus' relief, Sirius entered, breaking the uncomfortable moment. Sirius was shaking his wet hair slightly in a very doglike manner.

"You know what I fancy?" he said, rubbing the ends of his hair with an old damp towel.

"Hestia Jones?" Tonks teased. Sirius looked warily behind him, as if worried that the female Order member would walk right in and hear.

"Shh you! Do you think she knows?" he added curiously. Tonks laughed as he plonked himself beside her.

"Nah, how could she? She avoids you like a…convict. I could always let it slip by accident though." She gave a grin and he pushed her jovially. "So you were saying…"

"Was I? Oh yeah… I have a craving for sweet and sour pork with fried rice…oooh and crackers too…oh and maybe some chips." Tonks gave a sigh.

"Ok, I'll nip out in a bit. I paid last time though."

"Nuh huh."

"Yuh huh."

"Nuh huh!"

"Yuh huh!"

Remus gave an impatient sigh causing them both to turn to him.

"What's wrong with you?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing," his friend replied shortly. Sirius turned to Tonks who gave an apologetic smile.

"I think I pissed him off. Was just trying to make conversation. He's a bit touchy, your friend."

At this Remus decided to leave, throwing The Quibbler down in the centre of the table as he went.

"Remus!" Sirius called after him but was ignored. The man gave a shrug and turned to his cousin. "Anyway, where were we? Nuh huh!" Tonks rolled her eyes.

"There's only one way to settle this Black…rock paper scissors."

Sirius raised his eyebrows in interest.

"Ok, if you think you can handle it, you're on. But I warn you now, I play dirty!"

* * *

An hour later Tonks sat opposite Sirius as he ate, wondering how she had managed to let him con her into paying again! Sirius pushed his food away with a satisfied grin on his face. 

"Always tastes better when someone else pays, don't you reckon?" he said smugly. Tonks mumbled a response. "There's still some left if you want some." She shook her head, reaching into her bag for an apple. "Yeah, maybe you shouldn't...calories an' all." He gave her the once-over and she gave him the Vs indignantly. Sirius laughed and leant back in his seat. "Maybe Remus will finish it."

"Maybe."

"Wanna go ask him?"

"What, and get my head bitten off again? I don't think so!"

"Nice choice of words there," Sirius muttered. "He's a nice guy really."

"He's absolutely smashing," Tonks said mockingly, over-pronouncing each word. Sirius laughed. "I really don't know why you're friends with him," she said sulkily.

"Um…because he's nice?" Sirius repeated feebly. "Aw come on Dora –"

"Tonks!"

"Tonks then, you just need to get to know him a bit better. Do it for me, eh?" Tonks gave a sigh of resignation and rose from her place.

"Fine, but if he's mean to me I'll cry and blame you!"

* * *

Tonks knocked cautiously on the door, as if worried that the door itself would be bad tempered. A quiet response came from inside. Tonks opened the door slowly and took a step inside. The room was poorly lit and barely habitable, as were most of the rooms in the manor house. Tonks looked at her feet uncomfortably. 

"Er, Wotcher. Sirius was wondering if you were hungry." She looked over to the bed to see Remus perched there, looking at her blankly.

"I'm fine thank you," he said curtly.

"Oh," came her reply, "well, if you're sure." She turned back to the door then paused, remembering Sirius' words. Tonks gave a sigh and then turned back around. "Listen, I kinda got the impression that we got off on the wrong foot."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Which foot would that be?" he asked mildly.

"This one." Tonks raised her right foot slightly and wiggled it from the ankle. Remus shook his head and Tonks almost swore that she saw a faint smile. "I'm sorry…can we be friends?" Her forward question caused a silence to fall between them. Remus blinked at her for a while, then looked at her suspiciously.

"Did Sirius send you up here?"

"Well…yeah. But I wanted to come, too. I don't always do what I'm told." She gave him a wicked grin, and he smiled.

"Very well Nymphadora, we can be friends."

"Goodo. Oh one thing though…don't call me Nymphadora, otherwise we cannot be friends," she said firmly and he laughed.

"I see, so it's friendship but on your terms."

"Yes, so no Nymphadora, ok?" she said lightly, heading for the door.

"We'll see," he teased and she stuck her tongue out at him, leaving him alone to contemplate his new friendship.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the morning after the full moon, and Lupin made his way slowly into the drawing room of Grimmauld Place to find Sirius sat on the settee, covered by a quilt. His friend turned quickly and greeted him with a grin.

"Alright there, Moony? How was your night?" he asked quietly.

"Oh, you know," Remus, replied rubbing the back of his neck with a hand. Sirius nodded, feeling as if he did. He looked at the man sympathetically.

"I did want to be there, I feel really bad. I spoke to Dumbledore, but he said no. Git!" he murmured.

"Sirius, I've been doing this alone for 14 years, I think I've learnt to manage by myself. Seriously, you don't have to worry about me," he told his friend. Sirius pouted for a brief moment, and then shrugged it off. "Tonks, move your feet so that Remus can sit down," he said. Lupin frowned and was surprised to see the quilt move into the air at one end of the settee. Remus hadn't even noticed that the witch was there. He sat himself down, and Tonks brought her feet back down into his lap.

"She's been on guard duty at the Ministry," Sirius explained. "She only just got in an hour ago and she has to be at work soon. I would pity her but…I can't be bothered," he laughed. Remus could barely see pink spikes protruding from the other end of the quilt. The men sat in silence for a while. Sirius was playing with his cousin's hair.

"Do you want tea? I'll make you tea," he announced suddenly, pushing Tonks from off of his lap and leaving the room.

"I'll have one," the Auror called sleepily after him, removing the quilt from her head and turning to regard Remus.

"Good morning, Nymphadora," he said politely. The witch mumbled incoherently, something to do with using her first name, and then hid under the covers once more. Sirius entered, carrying three steaming mugs. Moving a drowsy Tonks once more, he managed to reclaim his seat and pass a drink to Lupin.

"So, I was thinking of coming along with you next month," Sirius told him. "Forget Dumbledore! What do you reckon? It'll be like old times, eh?" he said excitedly. Remus simply shrugged. Sirius looked crestfallen. "Fine, whatever. Go wolfy by yourself, I'm not bothered," he mumbled, clearly offended.

"Shh," Remus mouthed to him, then looked down to the figure that lay across the two men.

"What? Oh, Dora? She's asleep, don't stress it." When Remus remained unconvinced, Sirius began to sing quietly, a line of a song that Lupin didn't recognise, and paused for Tonks to join in. She didn't.

"See, asleep! She wouldn't ignore the Weird Sisters for anything…I don't know why you don't tell her anyway," he added casually, taking a sip of his hot beverage. Remus sighed wearily.

"Because, I like the way people are before they find out about…you know."

"And you're saying my Tonksie is shallow? That she's superficial, is that what you're saying?" Sirius said in mock-anger, but he grinned widely.

"Oh, shut up Padfoot, you're really starting to annoy me."

"Great, then it's working."

"Good morning," came a deep male voice from the doorway.

"Uh oh," came a quiet muffle from under the covers. Sirius craned his neck to see who the greeter was.

"Ah Kings, how's it going mate?" Sirius called. The tall, black man crossed the room, nodding slightly.

"Not bad, not bad."

"Oh, Kingsley Shacklebolt, this is my friend Remus Lupin," Sirius announced, waving his hand casually between the two men.

"We've met before, briefly," Kingsley admitted, shaking the man's hand. "Nice to see you again Lupin." He paused. "I don't suppose either of you have seen Tonks at all?"

"Yeah, she's right here," Sirius said and then regretted it as his cousin elbowed him in a rather delicate area.

"Git," she mumbled, removing the covers from her face. "Oh Kingsley," she said brightly, pretending she had only just noticed him. "Good morning!"

"Good morning nothing, Tonks. You were supposed to be at work an hour ago!" A pause.

"Oops."

"Oops is right." The man turned to leave.

"I'll be there in ten," Tonks yawned. Kingsley stopped at the door.

"You'll be there in five or I'm firing your lily-white ass, you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah. See you in ten," she said with a wink. The man rumbled a laugh and left the room. Tonks didn't move for some time.

"Err, Tonks…you really should be getting going," Sirius warned her. When his cousin didn't respond, Sirius looked to Remus and gave him a knowing nod. Both men pushed at the sprawled woman, causing her to roll onto the floor, cushioned only by her quilt. She let out a wail.

"Fine! You win!" She scrambled out of her cocoon. Sirius stopped her as she headed for the door.

"Don't forget the kids are coming tonight, Tonks." She frowned at him, rubbing her arm where it had banged against the floor.

"Kids? What kids?" she asked.

"Arthur and Molly's children and their friend. We spoke about it the other day, remember?" he asked, raising his eyebrows expectantly. Tonks shook her head, clearly baffled.

"Does this mean we have to behave?"

"'Fraid so."

"Great. I hate kids," she mumbled. Sirius and Lupin laughed and she looked up with a scowl.

"What's so funny?" she asked indignantly.

"Dora, you're a child yourself," Sirius laughed. She grimaced at him.

"And you're a wrinkly old man! Good day to you," she said curtly, leaving the room and tripping over her feet as she did so.

* * *

Remus was hoping for a quiet evening after his previous night's transformation. However, hearing a raucous cackle coming from the kitchen, he knew that it was going to be unlikely. Remus could smell cigarette smoke as he descended the stairs, hearing his friend Sirius Black snorting into his near-empty glass. The man looked up, his eyes were glazed over slightly. 

"Heeeyis Remus. Hi Remus!" he called loudly. His drinking partner, a rather drunken Tonks, waved clumsily giving a hiccough and then hissing a giggle.

"Sirius, the children are arriving in less than half an hour. What on earth are you playing at?" Remus asked sharply. Sirius shrugged and looked to Tonks in confusion.

"Are we playing a game?" he slurred, his brow furrowed. Tonks shook her head.

"I don't think so," she replied. They both gave a shriek of laughter and Lupin rolled his eyes. He headed for the kettle, planning on making a pot of strong coffee.

"Ooooh Remus! … I LOVE YOU!" Sirius bellowed.

"Ok," the man replied passively. Sirius turned to Tonks.

"Shhhhh don't tell anyone. Issa secret but Remus is my bestest friend."

Tonks' eyes widened. "What about me?" she asked indignantly, sloshing the clear liquor that she was attempting to pour. Remus noticed and snatched the bottle from her. She wrinkled her nose at him, clearly unimpressed.

"You're a nobody," Sirius replied. Tonks began to respond but then hiccoughed once more and shrugged his comment off, forgetting what they had been talking about. The front door went upstairs, and voices followed.

"Uh oh, it's Molly!" the drunken pair sang. Sure enough the short, redheaded woman began to walk down the steps, followed by her husband. Seeing the scene in front of her, she let out an angry growl.

"Remus, how could you let them get in such a state," she snapped angrily. Remus, who could not be bothered to defend himself, chose to ignore the furious woman.

"Naughty Remus," Tonks squeaked, shaking her head dizzily. "Naughty boy!" Sirius barked a laugh. "I think I'm going to be sick," Tonks slurred. Sirius moved to hug her bashfully. She let out a squeal. At that moment, Ron and Ginny Weasley appeared at the top of the steps, looking nervous, followed by Hermione Granger. Sirius' face lit up as he saw them. Shoving Tonks so that she went flying from her seat, he scrambled up.

"Hermiminy…Hemerni…Hermio…Granger!" he shouted her last name, pleased with himself for being able to pronounce it in his drunken stupor. Hermione blinked at the man.

"Uh, hello Sirius," she said quietly as her friend's godfather wrapped his arms around her neck. He smelt of stale fags and neat alcohol. He pulled away.

"This girl…" he pointed at her then trailed off, not having anything else to say. He let out an emotional "Oh!" and threw himself at her once more. Hermione cast a fearful look over at her old Professor.

"Sirius, you can let go of Hermione now," Lupin told his friend slowly. A look of realisation hit Sirius.

"Hermione!" he exclaimed. "What did I say?" He gave a chuckle. Turning to Lupin he said.

"I love her Remus, she's my bestest friend in the whoooole wide world aren't you Herminny."

"Sure," she smiled nervously.

"All brains and no boobs," Sirius shouted. Remus cringed. Sirius pushed Hermione to the side as he noticed Ron.

"And it's Boy! Hey long time no see…um… Raymond?"

"Reg!" Tonks cried out from nowhere, and then slumped back down on the floor.

"Ron," the boy mumbled.

"Ah yes, Reg. And you," he turned to Ginny. "I don't know you do I? But you're ginger and I think that's…well that's just great!" he beamed. Ginny just smiled apprehensively and turned to her mother for reassurance.

"Kids, why don't you go settle in upstairs," Arthur suggested quickly. The three children agreed hurriedly, and left the room.

"BYE!" Tonks called from under the table. She attempted to stand and banged her head. "Ow!"

Remus set two mugs of black coffee onto the table.

"Drink," he commanded, helping Tonks up from the floor. She wobbled and fell onto him as they landed in a vacant chair. She gigged hysterically.

"Oooh Mr Lupin, you _are_ a naughty boy," she garbled, bouncing up and down on his knee.

"Nymphadora Tonks," Molly snapped. "Control yourself." Tonks went pink and mumbled something under her breath before scrambling off of Remus' lap.

"Molly leave her," Sirius said to the woman, sounding almost sober. "Remus could use a good fumble, know what I'm sayin'?" he winked to the group. Remus glared at his friend. "Ah Moony, I love you," he announced once more.

"That's a funny name," Tonks chirped up. Sirius turned to her.

"What? Nymphadora?" She hit him hard on his arm and he laughed heartily at his own joke.

Molly began to search the cupboards, hoping to start dinner. Tonks and Sirius went quiet as they drunk their coffee. Tonks was smiling behind her cup.

"What?" Sirius enquired bluntly. Tonks shook her head.

"Nothing," she replied quietly.

"Aww come on!" Sirius insisted. Tonks was silent for a moment, and then licked her lips.

"How old is your Harry?" she asked. Sirius scrunched his face up in thought.

"Erm…he was 15 ten days ago," Sirius mused.

"Eight," Lupin correct. Sirius turned to him, his mouth open in indignation.

"He's fifteen!" Sirius said firmly.

"Yes, eight days ago," Remus said with a sigh.

"Urgh, I think I would know Remus!"

"And I think you're inebriated, Sirius," Remus replied under his breath, causing Arthur to chuckle and Molly to pout in disapproval. Sirius grimaced at his friend and then turned back to his cousin.

"Why'dya ask?" Tonks shook her head but continued to grin behind her mug. Sirius looked confused.

"Is he single?" she asked casually. Sirius' face fell.

"Whooa no! No way, don't you dare!" he warned, pointing a finger at her in an attempt to be menacing but accidentally slipping his elbow off the edge of the table. Tonks blinked at him.

"What? He's cute that's all," she sang, biting her lip suggestively.

"Tonks! He's a kid!" Sirius exclaimed, sobering up by the second. Tonks gave a chuckle.

"And so am I, remember? You're words not mine Cuz," she reminded him. Sirius stared at her, flabbergasted.

"Whatever, just keep away from him you…Scarlet Woman you!"

Tonks stood indignantly, knocking over her coffee.

"Why, I've never been so insulted in my life!" she cried, and then morphed her hair into bright scarlet ringlets. She cracked up laughing. Sirius joined her. Molly growled in annoyance.

"That's it, Tonks. I've had enough of you, sit quietly or go home. I'm putting the tea on now and I can't be doing with you." At the mention of food, Tonks retched. She ran to the sick and a loud splattering noise could be heard followed by a giggle. Arthur and Remus winced. Sirius howled with laughter, falling off his chair in the process.

"Nymphadora!" Mrs Weasley screamed. Tonks turned around, beaming in pride as she had made it to the sink.

"Come on Tonks," Arthur spoke up. "I'll take you home." The man rose from the table. Tonks made her way to him on wobbly legs.

"Cheers Arnold," she said as she struggled with her jacket. "I'll show you my new Dyson."

"Excellent," Arthur said cheerily as he followed the stumbling witch up the stairs. His wife gave a glare of displeasure. Arthur wasn't entirely sure what a Dyson was, but he was very much looking forward to finding out!

* * *

A/N: The next chapter is plot-based, I just thought this was cute. And for those waiting for the sequel to You, me and a werewolf makes 3 (mainly, **Hope** lol.) I'm posting this story while working on it. I've written some end chapters. The first chapter will be posted in a couple of days, promise. Thanks :) 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: All hail Tonksie, she is the queen! Dunno why I said that but...huh :)

* * *

Tonks dragged herself down the kitchen stairs the next morning with a groan. She had to be at work in an hour. She felt a bathroom floor with her head in the toilet would be more appropriate, considering her state. Her cousin grinned as he saw her. 

_About bloody time she came off worse than I did!_

"Wotcher, Poodle," she croaked as she sat down heavily, wincing at the sudden movement. Sirius gave her the once over and then burst into a fit of laughter. Tonks felt like scowling but couldn't quite manage it.

"Some night last night, huh?" Sirius asked her as he poured them both a strong cup of tea.

"I vaguely remember children," Tonks told him. "Though I don't remember how many. Just remember lots of red hair and puzzled face…oh and I recall becoming overly friendly with the basin over there," she indicated with a nod.

"Yeah, that and Remus," Sirius mumbled behind his mug. His cousin looked up sharply.

"What?"

"Oh, you don't remember giving my old mate a lap dance then?" Sirius beamed. Tonks cringed. Now she remembered, and wished she hadn't. "Relax Dora, he probably didn't even notice," Sirius chuckled. Tonks' mouth dropped indignantly.

"What? How could he not notice a beautiful, young witch…albeit a plastered one, throwing herself on him? I'm gonna be quite insulted if he didn't actually."

Sirius scoffed a laugh.

"Oh don't be ridiculous Dora…you're not beautiful," he teased. Seeing her eyes widen in anger he corrected himself. "Just kidding, you're a stunner. What I meant is that it's not you it's him. When it comes to women… hell people in general, Moony rarely seems to notice." He took a big gulp of his drink and then sighed loudly. Seeing Tonks' frown, he lowered his cup.

"What?"

"That name…you used it for him last night. What does it mean exactly?" she inquired out of curiosity.

"Ah," Sirius said simply, scratching his neck. "Can't tell you that dear cousin, it's a _secret_." The man emphasised the words with his fingers as speech marks. Tonks wrinkled her nose.

"What kinda secret…one that you're gonna tell me?" she asked hopefully. Sirius paused for a beat and then shrugged.

"Sure, why not. But you can't tell Remus I told you because I promised"

Tonks nodded eagerly, promising that she wouldn't.

"Remus is a werewolf," he announced. Tonks just blinked at him. "Don't freak out about it though. He's a really good guy and I'd hate for you to be funny with him because of it. Plus, if you were, I'd have to disown you," he remarked, sneering at her across the table. Tonks just barked a laugh, which startled him as it sounded very similar to his.

"Why would I be funny about it?" she asked mildly, leaning across the table with her chin in her hand. It was Sirius' turn to blink.

"Uh…well…some people are," he murmured.

"And I'm some people?" Tonks asked dryly. Sirius looked to the table.

"Well…no I guess not."

"You guessed correctly," Tonks said with a nod. The pair fell silent, finishing their tea.

"So is that why Remus doesn't notice women? Because he's a werewolf?" Tonks enquired. Sirius shrugged.

"Guess he doesn't really have the opportunity to get close to them. Women are rather small-minded…err, that is to say some women…which is definitely not you!" he rambled quickly, feeling Tonks' glare land on him. "Let's just say that I don't think he's that experienced with women," he concluded. Tonks' eyebrows shot up questioningly.

"What, is he…" Tonks limped her wrist suggestively. Sirius appeared baffled. His cousin rolled her eyes. "You know…G.A.Y," she spelt it out. Sirius' expression was that of realisation and then dismissal.

"No. No of course not…at least I don't think he is," he added, biting his lip and looking to the ceiling in thought. "No, I'm pretty sure he bats for my team…and by that I mean 'the hot chica' team," he quickly clarified as Tonks raised her eyebrows once more.

"Sirius, you really should stop talking," Tonks laughed. He nodded his agreement. Silence fell once more. Tonks' brow was furrowed in thought. Sirius was watching her, mildly amused.

"He would notice me," she declared after a while, with a firm nod. Sirius shook his head lightly.

"Ah, are you still thinking about that?" he complained. Tonks gave a 'humph'. "Let it go T. So what if one man in the whole wide universe of Tonk-ness doesn't bat an eyelid at you. I'm guessing plenty of others do…especially with knockers like those," he added with a grin. Tonks' jaw dropped and then she beamed.

"You're so right Cuz, you're so right. You know I reckon, with these knockers and my bubbly and beautiful character, I could get your mate Moony to notice me, especially if I turn on the charm," she said, throwing a casual wink in the older man's direction. Sirius looked stunned and then shook his head.

"Nah, I bet you couldn't," he smirked. If Tonks had ears like Padfoot, they would have pricked up at that very sentence.

"I bet I could!" she countered with confidence. Sirius was wary, but never one to back down from a challenge.

"Ok then Tonksie, you're on. I bet that Remus won't react at all to your advances."

"React? Hell, he'll return them!" Tonks told him. Sirius regarded her for a brief moment.

"All right, if he notices your pathetic excuse for flirting and returns it, which believe me will never happen, then I'll give you…8 Galleons! If not then you have to cough up the money!" he said boldly. Tonks faltered slightly.

"I don't have 8 Galleons," she muttered. Sirius blinked at her mockingly.

"Shouldn't matter if you aim to win," he jeered and she scowled at him.

"6 Galleons," she bartered with him. Sirius considered the haggle, rubbing a hand over his unshaven jaw. He gave a firm nod.

"Spit shake," he announced and they spat into their own palms before bringing them together in a shake. Cringing slightly, they gave a laugh.

"All right, 6 Galleons it is. Prepare to lose that hard earned cash dearest cousin."

"Oh we will see Black, we will see!"

* * *

"Hello, Mr Lupin," he heard her voice sing from the study door. Of course, he had expected her, having heard her boisterous arrival into the house only five minutes ago. Remus lowered his book and turned his head to greet her. 

"Hello, Nymphadora."

The witch plopped herself down heavily onto the sofa beside him. The bookshelf to their right was filled ceiling-to-floor with decrepit and yellowing books; mainly on the topic of the Dark Arts. Tonks looked down at the book in the man's hand in curiosity. He saw her looking.

"Have you ever read Utopia?" he asked mildly. The witch shook her pink-spiked head.

"Nope."

"Don't," was his simple response. He dog-eared the corner of a page before placing it on the desk beside him.

"Have you read it before?" Tonks asked. Lupin nodded.

"Oh yes, 23 times to be precise." This response caused Tonks to laugh, in both shock and amusement. "I'm still finding perplexing aspects to it. It's not a book that should be read out of interest… and I dare say you would find it rather…well, boring."

Tonks blinked at him. Did he think she wasn't mature enough to appreciate works by…she leant across him to snatch the book. _Thomas More? Never heard of him_, she crinkled her nose and forehead simultaneously. Reading the blurb, she decided that Remus was probably right after all and placed the book back down.

"So…recovered from last night's activities?" he asked. Tonks froze and then smiled apologetically.

"Oh yeah…about that–"

"No need to apologise, Nymphadora. I'm letting it go, this time. But, if it happens again in future, well let's just say you have been warned," he said sternly but his eyes twinkled mischievously. She gave a giggle.

"Oh come off it, Remus. I know you enjoyed it as much as I did, if not more."

"Perhaps," he said lightly.

"And to think Sirius told me you were gay," she teased and he stared at her. Tonks pressed her lips together to prevent herself from laughing at his stunned expression. "Just teasing," she laughed. Tonks began to tap her fingers onto the worn arm of the sofa. Dust rose from the fabric and she gave a little sneeze. Remus was watching her in curiosity. She was rather interesting to observe, her thought. Sirius was right, she should be studied, but not because of her morphing abilities…no, because she was such an interesting person to know.

"So, you're a werewolf?" she asked suddenly, breaking him out of his reverie. His mouth dropped open. Tonks faltered at his silence. "Oh, please tell me you are." Remus remained baffled. "Sirius already thinks I'm gullible. I can't believe I fell for that," she said with a groan.

"No, no I am," Remus croaked hoarsely, eventually finding his voice. Tonks gave a sigh of relief and patted him on the shoulder lightly.

"Phew," she grinned at him. Remus was rather taken aback by her reaction. She really was strange, he concluded. "Well, it didn't seem like a lie at the time," she was saying to him matter-of-factly. "And he was rather protective of you. He told me not to tell you he'd told me because it was a secret." She shrugged. "Guess I'm as bad as him when it comes to keeping secrets."

Remus continued to stare at her, blinking in a vain attempt to keep up with what had just happened.

"So…you hungry? We could get take out." She rummaged through her bag, ignoring the bewildered man beside her. It was 9 o'clock in the morning. He decided against it.

"Er, no maybe later," he said quietly.

"Ok," she sang. "So…got any other things to tell me? You're not secretly married with seven adorable but slightly hairy children are you?" she asked. Remus laughed.

"No, no I'm not married."

"Goodo," she grinned.

"How about you? Is there a …Mr Tonks?" He felt stupid for wording it like that, but too late, he had already said it now. Tonks shook her head and wrinkled her nose once more.

"Nah, only my dad," she laughed. "I've dated a lot of weirdoes in the past… and coming from a Metamorphmagus that's saying something! I've come to the conclusion that good, honest men can only be found in the cheesiest of romance novels. I've told Sirius all about my past 'mistakes'. They were lucky he wasn't around to meet them, believe me. No one's good enough for his 'little girl.'" She snorted a laugh. "He'd rather I be alone and miserable."

"I'm sure that's not true," Remus ventured sympathetically. "There must be someone out there who Sirius would approve of."

"Oh really?" Tonks said cynically. "I don't think so Rem. I mean…even you wouldn't pass the Sirius-trial, and you're his best friend," she scoffed. Suddenly, her face fell as a thought hit her. She smirked to herself. " I bet … I bet Sirius would go crazy if he thought you and I were an item."

It was Lupin's turn to scoff. "Oh I don't think so Nymphadora. Sirius doesn't even think I notice women. I doubt he'd even realise, let alone react," he said shortly. Tonks licked her lips.

"I bet he would," she countered casually. "In fact, I'm willing to bet…ooh, say 6 Galleons on it, that my dearest cousin would freak out at the thought of you and me together. His best friend, the werewolf, with me…his shy and innocent baby cousin." She bit her bottom lip, impishly. Remus cocked his head, considering her bet.

"Alright, Nymphadora, you're on. But I don't have 6 Galleons," he added quietly.

"Shouldn't matter if you aim to win," she teased him, using her cousin's own words.

"5 Galleons," Remus spoke up. Tonks pretended to consider it, before shrugging. She offered a small hand, which he accepted and shook gently before bringing it to his lips in a gentlemanly way. She giggled. This should be fun. The game was on!

* * *

A/N: Prepare yourself for some craziness! 


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius was sat between Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin, feeling as though it was the first intellectual conversation he had had in a very long time. He had been spending an awfully lot of time plastered and, of course, with Nymphadora. As the two men discussed Order matters, Sirius' mind wandered to his cousin and their little bet. Oh she was bound to lose of, course. Remus and women went together like chalk and cheese…and then there was the obvious fact that Tonks couldn't flirt to save her life! Wondering where she had gotten to, he heard a noise overhead and looked up to see her. There she was, his exuberant younger cousin, stood at the top of the stairs wearing nothing but a ridiculously short denim skirt, 4-inch stilettos and a black lace bra.

"Oh Merlin!" Sirius groaned into his hands as she wobbled down the steps.

"What?" Remus asked and then spotted her. His light eyes widened out of shock, for a brief moment, before looking quickly to the table. Kingsley looked up too, and then back to Remus, as if nothing was out of the ordinary…as if she did this at work all the time.

"Oh hi Remus, I'm glad you're here. I could use some help," Tonks said cheerfully as she went to stand by Remus' shoulder. Sirius spoke up.

"Is it a double clasp? I can manage them single-handedly. Hell, I can manage them with my teeth!" The two wizards and witch looked to him. His grin faded and a light blush appeared.

"Right…that's precious," Tonks told him. "No I mean, I need a hand picking out what I'm going to wear." She held up two identical plain tops; one red one blue. "Ok, this," she waved the blue, "with blonde hair?" Her auburn bob turned to tight blonde ringlets to her shoulders. "Or this," the red this time, "with dark hair?" The hair changed to a very deep brown, and the ringlets loosened to waves. She blinked at them expectantly.

"Red and blonde," Sirius and Kingsley said together and then beamed at each other. Tonks frowned.

"That wasn't an option…anyway I was asking Remus." Their eyes met, and Tonks wasn't blinking. She nodded slightly in encouragement.

"I think you look fine as you are," he announced and then looked back to his papers to avoid grinning at Sirius' dropped jaw.

"Oh, Remus you're so funny," Tonks giggled, batting a hand in his direction.

"Seriously, if I were to pick one it would be the red with the black," he told her and Tonks let out a girly squeal.

"No way, that's the one I was going for!"

"Shut up! Get out!" Sirius copied her tone and she glared at him.

"Put your pompoms away Sirius," she said with a clenched jaw.

"I didn't realise they were showing." Sirius looked to his lap and Kingsley gave a deep chuckle. Tonks wrinkled her nose at him in disgust.

"Are you going anywhere nice?" Remus asked her, breaking her stare from her cousin.

"Oh you know, just out…why, you jealous?" she teased, leaning into him so that her breasts were almost in his face. He blinked up at her.

"Well?" she mouthed, while Sirius wasn't looking. Remus looked baffled. "Yes!" she prompted silently. Remus finally twigged.

"Maybe a little," he whispered onto her bare shoulder, though loud enough for Sirius to hear and snap his head towards them. "Do you want me to be?"

"You know I do," Tonks whispered in return.

"What the hell?" Sirius mumbled to himself, shaking his head in a vain attempt to remove the conversation from his mind.

"Problem, Sirius?" Tonks asked and he forced a smile.

"Not at all," he said merrily. "Now put a top on before any of the Weasley lads come in," he insisted.

"And some trousers to go with that belt," Kingsley added, continuing to read the parchment in his hands. Tonks glared at him indignantly, and was about to retaliate when a voice from the stairs caused them all to look up.

"Well, well…Miss Tonks. If I recall correctly you were in a similar attire the last time I saw you." Severus Snape gave a sneer as he joined them in the kitchen.

"On my last day at Hogwarts we had a wet tee-shirt competition and I won," Tonks announced, beaming.

"That's my girl," Sirius sniffed with pride. Snape looked appalled however.

"Yes well, if it hadn't been your final day you would have indeed been expelled."

"Sure sure, Snapey. I believe you," she said with a wink. "Then again, I'm sure you like a naughty girl." She pouted seductively and Snape's usual pallid face pinked ever so slightly. Sirius barked a laugh that snapped Snape from his embarrassment. He thrust a pile of parchment at Kingsley (the most responsible in the room, in Snape's opinion.)

"These are for Moody. See that he gets them," he said curtly and turned on his heels.

"Goodbye Professor Snape…Sir," Tonks purred as he left and then let out a laugh. "Aw that was fun, we should invite him over more often."

Sirius, Remus and Kingsley highly disagreed but kept quiet.

"Right, I'm off. See ya later Sirius, Kings…goodbye Remus," she added, brushing her hand against his arm as she walked away. As she mounted the stairs, Ron appeared with Fred and George. All three boys went a bright shade of red. Their freckles seemed to vanish under the colour. Ron began to babble unintelligibly.

"Ahh, there's more of them," Tonks let out a playful shriek. "Oh Merlin, I'm seeing double again. Am I still drunk?" she asked Ron, crinkling her nose up in confusion. Ron found his voice.

"Err no, Tonks. These are my brothers, Fred and George," he explained. Tonks blinked at him. "Identical twins," he added and Tonks gave a sigh of relief.

"Phew, I thought it was happening again…I'm sane then? I'm alright?"

Ron nodded in perplexity. "Sure," he squeaked.

"Great. Well, nice to meet you lads," she said as she squeezed her half-naked self past them on the staircase. Once she was gone, Ron looked to Sirius who was creasing up in a silent fit of laughter.

"Mental," Ron croaked.

* * *

Sirius rolled his eyes as Tonks came downstairs half an hour later, fully clothed in the outfit that Remus had chosen. 

"Oh yeah, put it away now he's gone," he muttered. Tonks hid her grin by turning her back on her cousin to retrieve a glass of water.

"Who's gone, love?" she asked with feigned ignorance. Sirius scowled at her back. Tonks joined him at the table and flashed a sweet smile.

"You're unbelievable," he laughed.

"Why thank you," she replied, taking a small sip of her water. "Just doing my bit for the order. When I first joined, I was so surprised at the amount of sexually frustrated men in the group," she smirked. "I mean, come on, did you see the look on Snapey's face?" she barked a laugh and Sirius joined in, having to admit that it had been the highlight of his week.

"He didn't know where to look," the man agreed with a grin. "But with Remus…you're gonna have to try harder than that T. I think breasts scare him a little."

Tonks gave a little scoff. "Yeah? Do they scare you?" she asked huskily, leaning towards him to reveal more than a hint of cleavage.

"Yours do!" Sirius admitted with a quick nod. Tonks leant back in a sulk.

"Fine. I'll have to think of something a little more … manageable."

"More discreet," Sirius suggested under his breath.

"But I'll get him, Cuz. Mark my words. Your money's mine." She drained her glass, dripping water off her chin as she did so. Wiping it with the back of her hand, she rose. Sirius was looking both sceptical and apprehensive. His grin faded and his voice became wary as she climbed the stairs.

"Dora." She turned to look down at him. "Just be careful ok? Don't…don't hurt him."

Tonks nodded and then grinned impishly.

"Don't worry Sirius…I'll be gentle with him." She continued to climb the stairs so as not to see him shake his head in mild disbelief.


	6. Chapter 6

Lupin arrived at Grimmauld Place to find Tonks and Sirius once again in the kitchen. He wondered if they ever moved in his absence. Surely Tonks should be at work? The man dismissed the thought as he joined them at the table. Tonks beamed a grin at him but Sirius didn't even turn to acknowledge him.

"Hi, Remus," he said distractedly and continued to stare in front of him, his head moving from side to side ever so slightly. Remus frowned and noticed Tonks roll her eyes.

"Er…Sirius…what are you doing?" he asked slowly. Again, his friend failed to look at him.

"I'm watching lint," Sirius replied quietly, his eyes darting quickly. He let out a quick breath, which caused the piece of fluff he was observing to dance in the air. The man grinned at his own game. Remus gave a cough.

"Right…an eventful day I see," he muttered. Sirius snapped his gaze to his old friend. Turning back, he gave a growl.

"Oh no, I've lost it! Where's it gone?" he cried, desperately searching the air in front of him. Sirius looked crestfallen. He stuck out his bottom lip and folded his arms across his chest, clearly blaming Remus for the demise of his entertaining pastime.

"Would you like some tea, Remus?" Tonks spoke up, breaking the locked eyes of the two wizards.

"What? Oh, yes thank you Nymphadora."

Tonks smiled sweetly, ignoring the use of her first name, and sauntered over to the teapot. Managing to keep all of the liquid in the chipped mug, she turned back to the table and handed it to the man, stroking his hand deliberately as he received his drink. Sirius noticed and rolled his eyes; hadn't she given up yet?

"Thank you, Nymphadora," Remus said again. Their eyes met briefly before she looked away. Tonks took the seat next to him, rather than the one she had just vacated.

"So…Remus," she purred his name. "I was thinking maybe we could do something tomorrow. Get out of this house. Go to the park or something, what do you say?"

Remus pretended to consider this for a moment.

"Sounds great, Dora," he replied. Sirius suddenly looked eager.

"Ooh can I come too? Can I?" he piped like an excited child. He stamped his feet under the table in desperation. "I can chase the ducks. Pleeease let me come!"

Tonks looked at him sympathetically.

"Oh sorry love, but you know it's not safe. Besides… I was kinda hoping it would just be me and Remus." She licked her lip suggestively at this, causing Sirius' eyes to widen.

"Oh," he said bluntly. Only now was he beginning to realise the damage this silly bet was doing to his relationship with both Tonks and Remus. "Fine, I didn't want to go anyway," he lied blatantly. Tonks ignored it with a grin.

"Great!" she sang. Sirius looked thoroughly miserable.

Tonks began to stroke Lupin's hair gently as they chatted without Sirius. Whatever Remus would say, Tonks would respond with a girly giggle and reply,

"Oh you're so funny, Remus!"

Sirius had taken enough of it.

"What's funny about that?" he scoffed, causing both heads to turn to him.

"Oh, are you still here?" Remus asked mildly. The shocked expression on Sirius' face almost caused Tonks to burst out in genuine laughter. She reminded herself to thank Lupin later.

"Yes, I am," her cousin replied through clenched teeth. He rose angrily from his seat and headed for the pantry. Once out of view Remus winked at Tonks. She snickered quietly and then turned to face the open pantry door. Sirius stood there glaring at her, seen by her but not by Remus.

"What are you doing!" he mouthed to her, clearly annoyed. She simply smiled at him and then raised her mug to her lips. "Stop it now!" he demanded silently. Tonks raised her eyebrows.

"Are you alright in there, love?" she called.

"I'm fine," he called back grumpily. "Would you like a hobnob?"

"You mean the biscuit?" Tonks blinked in mock-confusion. Sirius' nostrils flared.

"Yes I mean the biscuit!" he hissed.

"Ah, then no," Tonks responded. Remus gave a quiet chuckle.

Sirius clicked his knuckles in agitation.

"Can you not find them?" Tonks called, knowing full well that he wasn't even looking. "Perhaps I should help you."

"Yes, perhaps you should!" Sirius agreed testily. She rose from her seat and blew a kiss towards Remus, before joining her cousin in the pantry.

"You are _really _starting to piss me off!" Sirius spat once the witch had joined him. Tonks blinked once more.

"Are you calling off our bet, Sirius?" she asked. "Scared you're losing?" She poked her tongue between her teeth. Sirius snarled at her.

"I _am_ losing, and I don't like it! But not because I'm losing my money but because you're messing with things you shouldn't. I'm calling the bet off. Leave Remus alone!" he demanded. Tonks grimaced. She hadn't realised that Remus meant so much to Sirius. But she stood her ground.

"No way, it's just getting fun."

"Are you two ok in there?" Remus' voice could be heard.

"We're fine," they answered together. Sirius then lowered his voice once more.

"You're pathetic, you know that? You're not fooling anyone but Remus…and that's only because he's a fool. I can't believe he's buying it."

"Buying what?"

" 'You're so funny, Remus,' " Sirius squeaked. " 'Bite me, Remus!' "

Tonks laughed at him.

"Is that what I sound like?"

"Worse."

The cousins stared at each other for a moment. Tonks shrugged.

"Fine…I'll try to tone it down, but I'm not promising anything. That man brings out the worst in me." She bit her bottom lip teasingly. Sirius cringed. "I bet he's amazing in the sack," she added over her shoulder as she left the cupboard. Sirius ran a hang over his eyes before snatching the biscuits off the shelf and joining her in the kitchen.

"We found his hobnob. It was difficult but we found it in the end," Tonks was saying to Remus. Sirius hated that the man laughed. As Tonks sat down, she knocked Remus' mug slightly (accidentally, of course) causing his tea to slosh into his lap.

"Oh no," she cringed, truly embarrassed. Sirius looked up and laughed, until he saw Tonks grab for a teacloth and begin to rub his friends thighs slowly. This caused the laugh to end abruptly.

"I…I think he's got it, Tonks," Sirius stuttered.

"He sure has," she replied quietly, though her eyes never left Lupin's. Things were going from bad to worse for poor Sirius. He bit his tongue, but was dying to scream at his young cousin, to tell her to stop manhandling (or woman-handling) his best friend. The words never came out. Instead he gawped at the scene in horror.

Remus took the witch's moving hand in his own, and placed them on the table.

"That's fine Nymphadora," he told her huskily. "In fact, I might just go change." Tonks blinked at him quizzically, with her back to Sirius. Remus leant forwards and whispered something into her ear. Sirius was surprised to see her blushing. The man then brushed his lips lightly against hers, before rising from his chair and leaving the room without another glance.

"Ok," Tonks breathed to him as he departed. She then flashed a triumphant grin to her cousin, who sat there astounded.

"Alright! Alright! You win, congratulations." He delved into his pocket and threw some coins across the table. "Well done Dora. Now leave him the hell alone!"

Tonks beamed at the coins in her hand. Success! Now for bet number two.

"Leave him alone? Why Sirius…I can't possibly lead this man on and then not deliver the goods. You want me to leave him hanging? No can do Cuz. In fact…I'd better not keep him waiting. He needs this." She rose from the table. Sirius began spluttering in protest but she raised a hand.

"You're right Sirius…I should change. What do you think of that short skirt I wore the other day? You remember that one?" Sirius did, of course, but couldn't find his voice. He nodded numbly. "Great!" She skipped around the table to kiss the defeated man on the cheek. "Have a good evening, love." She shot up the stairs, giggling to herself and leaving her cousin in a stupor in her wake.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: This chapter is so stupid...I love it:D

* * *

Remus sat on his bed, reading quietly to himself when his door swung open. Without knocking, Nymphadora Tonks entered and then closed the door behind her but not fully, so that she could peek through the gap. Remus barely registered the woman, let alone the fact that she was wearing a ridiculously short skirt and a rather see-through shirt. She bent over to peep through the crack in the door and Remus looked up briefly. 

"You're showing your panties," he muttered into the pages of his book. She spun to him.

"And you're showing your age," she countered; rolling her eyes at the book he was reading.

"Can I ask what you're doing, Nymphadora?"

"Shh," she replied. "Sirius is coming." Lupin blinked at her, puzzled.

"So?"

"So…he thinks we're going to have sex," she whispered to him, and then turned back to her spying. "Ooh, he's coming." She clicked the door to and then bolted it.

"Why would he think that?" Remus asked mildly. Nothing Tonks said shocked him anymore.

"Because I told him so," she said bluntly. Lupin shook his head and went back to his reading. Tonks crossed to the far wall, next to the bed, and pressed her ear against it. She heard her cousin enter the room and close the door. Then she heard the rustled of parchment. The man was murmuring to himself.

"Dementors!" she heard him exclaim. She turned to Lupin.

"Dementors?" she repeated in confusion. Lupin shrugged. Tonks shook her head and returned her ear to the wall. The sound of quill against parchment could be heard.

"He's writing a letter. Who is he writing to?" Tonks hissed.

"Harry probably," Remus said, sounding rather uninterested. Tonks turned to him.

"Look, Mister. Are you gonna play this game or not?" They locked stares. Remus raised his book once more.

"Not."

"Fine," she sighed. "Then I'll have to do it myself." Tonks moved herself away from the wall slightly before throwing herself at it and giving a loud groan. Lupin looked up, startled, to see Tonks wink at him and a grin spread across her face.

"What _are_ you doing?" he asked incredulously.

"We're having sex, Remus," she replied brightly.

"No we're not," he said firmly, flicking through the book as he had lost his page. The young witch pouted at him, before giving another pleasurable moan. The quill scratching stopped. Tonks suppressed a giggle. Remus looked up.

"You won't break him. You're going down."

"Oh, Remus! You're such a dirty talker," she squealed loudly. Remus laughed, closing his book. He began to watch her throw her back against the wall. She gave another moan.

"Ooh, that's it baby yeah!"

Remus didn't know whether to be horrified or amused.

"You're pretty good at this," he commented.

"Oh, I'm _very_ good at this," Tonks responded over-loudly again.

"Do you do this often?" Remus enquired and she stopped and stared at him.

"What? Have sex with myself?…Sure all the time!" Hearing Sirius writing again, Tonks moved to the bed. Remus moved up wearily.

"Relax Lupin, geez," Tonks giggled. She then raised her voice once more. "Remus, I can't deny that I've dreamed of this moment. You and me, in this bed."

"What the hell?" came an exclamation from the next room. Tonks threw her hands over her mouth to stop herself from laughing. Remus was also grinning uncontrollably. He licked his lips nervously.

"Ok Nymphadora," he said loudly and clearly. "You and me, in this bed, right now. Let's do it."

Tonks clapped her hands together in glee.

"Thank you," she mouthed to him and he winked at her. Tonks turned to grab the bars of the wooden headboard, and began to bang it against the wall, rhythmically. She started to cry out once more.

"Remus, oh yes! Ooooh, you are so good at this. Yes!" She glanced over at the man, who appeared to have lost interest once more, and was looking around for his book. Tonks kicked him with her nearest foot and he winced.

"Ow!" he exclaimed loudly. She frowned at him.

"Ow?" she mouthed in disbelief.

"I mean…Ooooh," he corrected pleasurably. Tonks nodded.

"Much better," she whispered. Hearing Sirius pacing in the next room, they stopped for a moment. Remus shook his head.

"I don't think he's going to say anything," he told the young witch.

Tonks was also beginning to agree, though she was too proud to mention it. She gave a sigh of annoyance. _Come on Tonks, you're so close!_ She pushed Remus aside on the bed and he banged his head against the wall. ("Hey!") Then, using all the strength she could muster, she rocked the bed with her own body, making the headboard bang against the wall once more and the mattress creak under her weight. Piece of plaster began to fall from a hole in the ceiling. Tonks giggled as it landed on Lupin's book.

"Come on, Remus. Give us a hand." The man reluctantly moved to sit next to her, helping her to move the bed as he continued to read, though refusing to make the incoherent groans that she insisted on making.

"Ooooh, yes. Come on, yes that's it. Yeah! Yeeeees!" She finished with a scream and the bed came to a halt. Lupin was looking at her in bewilderment.

"What the hell was that?" he asked. Tonks shrugged and giggled.

"Oh, I think I turned myself on a little there," she whispered to him seductively.

"Congratulations," he mumbled to his book, clearly impassive. A sudden banging from the other side of the wall caused them both to jump.

"Remus!" came a heated shout from the next room. Tonks turned to Lupin, beaming. "REMUS!"

"Uh oh," Tonks sang. She held out an open palm. "Cough it up, Mr Moony," she laughed. Remus blinked at her, before delving into his pocket to retrieve some coins. He flicked them at her and she caught them merrily. "Pleasure doing business with you," she said with a wink.

"Pleasure was all mine, Nymphadora. This really is unfair," he grumbled unhappily. She pinched his cheek over-affectionately.

"All's fair in lovemaking and war," she sang. The pair froze as they heard Sirius' door bang open. He strode down the hallway heavy-footedly and pounded on the door.

"Remus! Open up!" Sirius growled. Tonks and Lupin looked at each other.

"Quickly," Tonks hissed, grabbing the book from him and sliding it under the bed. She then threw the quilt onto the floor and ruffled the pillows accordingly. Having seen to the bed, she turned to Remus. Tonks grabbed his head and dishevelled his sandy brown hair.

"Hey, do you mind?"

Banging came at the door once more. Next she pulled off his jumper and discarded it into the corner. Then she grabbed her wand and popped off all of Remus buttons. He sat there, astounded. Flicking her wand, she managed to undo his fly with surprising ease. Tonks let out a naughty giggle as Lupin went red.

"REMUS!" Sirius bellowed angrily.

"Be with you in a minute!" Tonks called in her best girly voice. Morphing her nails a centimetre or two longer, she scratched them down Remus' bare chest before he had chance to protest. He gave a shudder.

"Merlin," he whispered. Tonks looked at him sharply.

"Steady on Lupin, let's not get carried away," she chided playfully. However, contrary to her words, she grabbed his head and pressed her lips firmly against his bare neck. Remus gasped, clearly shocked. When it sounded as if Sirius had almost knocked the door off its hinges, Tonks pulled away to admire her handy work.

"Are you quite finished?" Remus breathed heavily.

"Almost," she sang. The witch undid her own buttons with her wand and managed to remove her bra underneath her shirt, showing a hint of cleavage.

"REMUS! OPEN THE GODAMN DOOR!" Sirius roared.

"You'd better let him in," Remus advised and Tonks moved to the door. She played a dark ringlet around one finger as she opened the door to her fuming cousin.

"Can we help you?" she asked innocently. Sirius glared at her.

"You. Out. Now!" he demanded and she obeyed.

"See you later, Rem," She winked at him then laughed as Sirius slammed the door in her face.

"You, sit! And for Merlin's sake do your trousers up!" Sirius' voice could be heard through the door. Tonks beamed as she tapped the coins in her pocket, making them jingle. It had been hard work but it was totally worth it!

* * *

A/N: The next chapter is the last. Please review and query my sanity, lol. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: This chapter's a lil long, but the first part was too short to be a chapter all of its own. And so concludes my craziness that is/was For Love or Money. Have a nice day and please review :)

* * *

"Well?" Sirius barked. He was pacing Remus' bedroom floor, avoiding the bed covers that had be strewn all over the place. Remus looked at his hands, purely to hide his grin. 

"Well what?" _That's right Moony, play dumb and he'll go away!_

"Well what! You and Tonks and your little shag-fest! That's what!" he shouted angrily.

"Oh…that," Remus supplied. He enjoyed winding up Sirius, purely for the fact that it was so easy.

"I don't know what the hell you're playing at," Sirius was saying, running a hand over his forehead in distress. "But this has to stop…I cannot believe you, Remus! This isn't like you at all. Don't get me wrong, you're a grown man you can do as you please. But not with my little girl, do you hear me?" he said testily. Remus scoffed.

"Oh come off it Sirius! She's hardly a child anymore. In fact she's all woman…she's proved that much to me tonight," he added, provoking his friend further. Sirius threw his hands over his ears and cringed.

"Stop it, ok! I don't need to hear! It's bad enough getting a front row seat to your activities without you having to share them with me afterwards." Sirius gave a sigh. "I'm sorry Remus. It's not that I don't want you to be happy. In fact, it's about time you had a bloody good shag…but not with Tonks," he finished firmly. Silence fell between them, then Remus looked up to meet his friend's gaze squarely.

"Why?" he asked forwardly. "Why not Nymphadora?"

"Because!" Sirius cried in exasperation. "Because she's my cousin."

"And? What, am I not good enough for her? Is that it?"

"Of course you are," Sirius snapped.

"Then what?" Remus asked. Sirius took a deep, calming breath and then turned to his friend regretfully.

"Ok Moony, I'm going to be straight with you…Tonks, she's…she's using you." He let this confession linger in the air. Remus frowned.

"Go on."

"Well, I never meant for you to get hurt Remus I swear, but me and Tonks…we sorta had a bet. I didn't think you'd notice her pathetic flirting, let alone respond, and she bet that you would…I'm sorry Remus." He hung his head in guilt. Lupin sat on the edge of his bed, blinking for several moments. Suddenly, he began to laugh. Sirius looked to him.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Ahh, Padfoot. When did the Marauders allow themselves to become victims of such an obvious prank?" The man shook his head lightly. "If only James could see us now… he'd be ashamed!" Sirius frowned at his best friend.

"What are you on about?"

"Nymphadora and I also had a bet," Remus told the man. "She thought that you'd react badly to our…should I say, activities. Whereas I thought you wouldn't bat an eyelid. Turns out she was right," he added. Sirius stared at the man, unblinking.

"Oh Moony, we've been had big time," Sirius admitted and his friend nodded knowingly. Sirius turned to him, a realisation hitting him.

"So, you two weren't having sex in here?" he asked apprehensively. Remus shook his head.

"Unfortunately not," he replied, causing Sirius' eyebrows to shoot up. "Uh, I mean no of course not!"

Sirius gave a laugh. "That little minx. She'll pay. She _will_ pay!" Sirius swore firmly.

"It's the Black blood in her," Remus mused. "You should be proud."

"Remus, if it had been anybody else but us, I'd have been as proud as anything…This is just embarrassing. We need to get our money back!"

* * *

Tonks was in a spare bedroom, lying stomach down on the bed, her ankles crossed in the air as she flicked lazily through the latest edition of Witch? Magazine. She once again sported her usual baggy jeans and wore a bright purple tee shirt with the word 'Weird' displayed across the front in black; either Weird Sisters memorabilia, or perhaps just a very good description of herself. The Auror was smiling to herself as she lay the magazine down. She removed a pile of shiny coins from her pocket and looked down at them in utmost pride. _You still got it, girl!_ Her smile broadened to a grin. Tonks suddenly startled as she heard a noise outside of her bedroom door. She hastily shoved her winnings back into her pocket, and then frowned as a whooshing noise came from under the door. Tonks saw a folded piece of parchment (in the form of a plane) slide along the floor and come to a halt in the middle of the room. Feeling as though she were at work, Tonks rose cautiously from the bed and crouched to retrieve her note. She opened it and read the brief, neatly scribed message: 

_Nymphadora,_

_We need to talk. Please return to my room._

_Remus._

Tonks crinkled her nose in confusion. What could he possibly want? Surely Sirius hadn't hounded him too severely. Maybe Remus was mad at her for causing their argument. Oh well, one newly made friend wouldn't be sorely missed. But then again, she had grown quite fond of Remus. A sudden guilt filled her. Not only had she jeopardised her friendship with him, but also the friendship of the two men, built over the years and made stronger since their recent reunion. Tonks bit her lip…was she feeling sorry? Then again, if Remus was just demanding his money back, what would she say? … Nah! She wasn't _that_ sorry.

Deciding that she had kept the man waiting long enough, she headed for the door. She was in for a surprise.

Tonks knocked tentatively on Lupin's door. There was no reply. She frowned.

"Remus?" she called. A pause.

"Come in."

Tonks opened the door to see Lupin sat on his bed, staring at her expectantly.

"Hello, Nymphadora," he said, and the Auror recognised immediately that his tone was different… cool, almost a purr. She shrugged it off, relieved that the man hadn't been battered and bruised by her older cousin.

"Hello," she ventured quietly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he replied casually with a small smile. "Come in won't you."

Tonks shut the door after considering for a beat to leave it open. Remus patted his mattress in indication that she should sit down. She sat a small space away. Remus shuffled up so that their sides were touching.

"Er–" Tonks began, baffled. Remus looked at her, his expression blank. There was something in his eyes, however, that she didn't quite understand and it made her wary. She had been taught the importance of constant vigilances, after all. Remus reached up and stroked the side of her cheek gently. This startled Tonks, but she fought the urge to move away. What was going on?

"You're a very beautiful woman, Nymphadora," the man whispered.

"I know," Tonks squeaked, not knowing what else to say. "And it's Tonks, by the way." Remus chuckled at this and moved closer. She hadn't thought it possible!

"Tonks," he repeated. She nodded. "I know that it's crazy, but I can't get you off my mind. I mean…we were playing a joke on Sirius, right? But, don't you feel there was something…more?" He leaned ever closer, and Tonks began to lean away.

"More?" she choked. Remus nodded eagerly and took her hand. "Um…no not really, sorry. I mean it was just two mates, having a laugh…at another mates expense of course. Two _mates_," she emphasised. She leaned towards the man, in the vain hope that he'd get the hint and back off. Unfortunately it had a different effect, as Tonks found his lips on hers. She sat there, for a moment, stunned. Finally realising what was going on (_Hey, he's kissing me!)_ she pulled away and managed to throw herself backwards onto the bed with an 'Eeep!"

"Mates don't kiss like that," Remus growled as he crawled over her, trapping her in a 'cage' with his body. Tonks blinked up at him.

"Mine do," she lied feebly. He kissed her again, harder this time, and she resisted the urge to knee him in the groin. He certainly wouldn't thank her for that!

"Remus, please!" she shrieked, as he broke away for breath.

"Oh, you want more, do you?" he breathed and kissed her again.

"No, a little less would be good!" she mumbled into his lips. Remus pulled away and looked at her. He looked slightly hurt.

"You don't mean that. Not after what happened earlier."

"We were messing Remus!" Tonks insisted but the man shook his head. Weren't they? She had been, at least. And he was in no way interested in playing their 'game'. He wanted to read his book, for Merlin's sake! What was going on?

"I think I'm in love with you Nymphadora," he announced. She had almost laughed in his face. Almost.

"Of course you are, sweetheart. But you and I could never be together…you know that." She needed to get him off of her, and soon. Remus gave an emotional sigh and played with her dark fringe.

"Is this because I'm a werewolf," he wailed suddenly, causing her to jump. Tonks winced. It was clearly a touchy subject.

"No, no of course not. In fact, that's quite a turn-on," she lied, trying not to hurt the man's feelings. This only seemed to encourage him more and he leaned in to kiss her again. Tonks turned her head so he got her cheek.

"It's Sirius," she blurted out quickly.

"You're in love with Sirius?" Remus frowned. Tonks grimaced.

"No, you daft twat! It's just…well he'd never be comfortable with us being together. He's my cousin, and he's your best friend–"

"Not any longer! I'd ditch him if it meant spending my life with you," he sighed sappily. Tonks wanted to roll her eyes.

"That's sweet Remus, that's really precious… but I'm not worth it, I'm really not. In fact, I have a boyfriend. Yeah. His name's…Jack."

She knew Remus could see through her fabrication, after all she had told him recently that she was unattached. Damn herself! Damn her incapability to keep a boyfriend!

"Fine," Remus said, breaking her from her reverie and causing her jaw to drop. He sat up slightly, but Tonks still remained pinned to the bed. "Fine, you can never bring yourself to love me. Who could, after all?" he spat bitterly. Tonks bit her lip sympathetically but he continued. "But, you could make this heartache easier on me," he admitted. Tonks waited for him to continue. Remus broke into a grin. "Have sex with me."

"WHAT!" Tonks shrieked, finally deciding to use brute force to remove the man from on top of her. Remus moved to a sitting position in the middle of the bed. Tonks scrambled to the foot of the bed, and would have moved further if the bed had allowed her to do so.

"Have you gone _completely _insane?" she hissed. Remus shook his head slightly.

"I won't tell Sirius," he added hopefully. Tonks gave a growl of frustration and threw herself from the bed. Remus tackled her rather aggressively in mid-airand they toppled into a heap on the floor.

"I want you, Nymphadora. On this floor. Right now!"

"Please, Remus. Don't do this." The witch was begging now.

"Why not?" Remus asked bluntly. "You flirted with me, you led me on. You made me believe that there was something between us. The bet we made was just the start of it. It became so much more than that. It became about us. You know it's true, Nymphadora. Why deny yourself now?"

Tonks swallowed and flinched, knowing that she was going to have to tell him the truth.

"Because…because it was just a stupid bet, ok? Not just between us…between me and Sirius." She winced at his hurt expression. "I'm sorry Rem–"

"AH HA!" came a shout and Tonks screamed. Sirius jumped out of the wardrobe, behind her. _Constant vigilance my eye! What the hell's he doing in the wardrobe?_

"Sirius, I can explain. We're not at it again, in fact we never were. Please don't kill Remus…or me," she added quickly. A frown suddenly formed as she saw her cousin laughing. She turned to find Remus laughing too. Sirius crossed to him and offered a hand to help him up.

"Nice job, Moony. I guess you have got a knack with women after all."

Tonks blinked in disbelief, looking between the two men.

"What? You two?" Damn herself again! And it had all been going so well.

"'Fraid so, Cuz. I have to applaud your bravery though. Taking on one Marauder isn't advisable but taking on two…well that just takes balls." They laughed at her once more, and Tonks wished the floor would just swallow her whole.

"Fine, you got me," she mumbled into her chest as she folded her arms like a sulking child. Her head snapped up quickly. "Hey, what if I had given in to Remus? You'd have had to witnessed it all from the comfort of the wardrobe."

Sirius began to retaliate but Remus beat him to it with a scoff.

"Oh please, I wouldn't sleep with you Nymphadora, if you offered me… 6 Galleons and a packet of hobnobs!"

"Oh…so you _do_ like men then?" she sneered back. Sirius laughed but Remus just scowled. Her cousin held out his hand. Tonks blinked and went to accept his help to stand, when he pulled it back. She glared at him and struggled up herself. Dusting herself off, she looked quizzically at Sirius, whose palm remained open.

"What?"

"You know what …We want our money back!"

"What money?" Tonks said with mock-innocence, trying hard to suppress a smirk.

"Don't play dumb Dora, as much as it suits you. You tricked us with your stupid little game. Now we want our money back!" Sirius demanded, nudging Remus encouragingly so that the other man also extended his palm. Tonks sighed.

"Well, I was going to buy a new pair of boots with it," she explained, "…then I came across some starving children in the street… whos cat had just been run over…by a tractor…and they were considering eating their dead cat because they were so hungry. So I gave the money to them." She spieled the story with such conviction that the men were stunned to silence. Breaking out of his trance of bafflement, Sirius shook his head.

"Dora, come off it!"

"Fine!" she growled and removed the coins from her pocket, split the amount accordingly and shoved the money into the men's chests. "This is _so_ unfair!" she grumbled. Lupin laughed.

"All's fair in lovemaking and war, Nymphadora. Some one not-so-wise told me that," he grinned and she scowled at him. The men made their way to the door, satisfied. Sirius turned to his young cousin.

"Oh and Dora… welcome to the Marauders," he said with a grin. She beamed at him, as he closed the door leaving her alone and broke, but feeling as if she had triumphed after all.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading another attempt at humour. Will concentrate on 'Soon' now (or face **Hope**'s wrath, lol) Bye, oh yeah...review! 


End file.
